Spacedmonkey

As a student of portsmouth uni, I am asked to many different weird things. The other day I was asked to write, in a technical style, how to do I simple task of my choosing. To stop people completely going off on one for 20 pages, we were limited to 250 to 500 words. The idea was to be about to write, in a style, that is state forward and understandable, but not to waffle on for pages and pages. Understandable task. Many other people in my group, did things like installing a network card or changing oil in your car, stuff like that. I decided to go a different direction. So here it is, the final version, of my very silly assignment. Oh god, what have I done!
I wonder what mark I will get….

How to make the perfect toasted peanut butter sandwich

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I’d rather

• I’d rather have my nipples chewed off by a pack of wild dogs.
• I’d rather suck the snot out of a gorilla’s nose until the back of his head caves in.
• I’d rather wipe my ass with a cheese grater.
• I’d rather slide down a barbed wire banister into a bucket of alcohol.
• I’d rather drink a gallon of turpentine and piss on a forest fire.
• I’d rather suck cow snot through a straw.
• I’d rather shave my poison ivy covered legs with a dull barber’s razor and no water or soap.
• I’d rather French kiss a barracuda.
• I’d rather poke a Rottweiler in the arse with a short stick.
• I’d rather drink for a week from the septic tank of the 25-stone man next door.
• I’d rather wipe my anus with barbed wire.
• I’d rather be tied to a chair and forced to listen to Barry Manilow tunes while having my tonsils removed with a rusty spoon.
• I’d rather have the ten strongest 18-stone Rugby players play tug of war with my nut sack each side of 5 pulling a separate nut in a different direction.

I would rather

• I would rather stick my genitals in a bee’s nest.
• I would rather have a porcupine inserted violently into my rectum.
• I would rather sandpaper a wildcat’s ass.
• I would rather spend ten hours getting a tattoo on my back and then find out it’s the wrong one.
• I would rather try to open a beer bottle with my sphincter– and not a twist off either.