I’d rather

• I’d rather have my nipples chewed off by a pack of wild dogs.
• I’d rather suck the snot out of a gorilla’s nose until the back of his head caves in.
• I’d rather wipe my ass with a cheese grater.
• I’d rather slide down a barbed wire banister into a bucket of alcohol.
• I’d rather drink a gallon of turpentine and piss on a forest fire.
• I’d rather suck cow snot through a straw.
• I’d rather shave my poison ivy covered legs with a dull barber’s razor and no water or soap.
• I’d rather French kiss a barracuda.
• I’d rather poke a Rottweiler in the arse with a short stick.
• I’d rather drink for a week from the septic tank of the 25-stone man next door.
• I’d rather wipe my anus with barbed wire.
• I’d rather be tied to a chair and forced to listen to Barry Manilow tunes while having my tonsils removed with a rusty spoon.
• I’d rather have the ten strongest 18-stone Rugby players play tug of war with my nut sack each side of 5 pulling a separate nut in a different direction.

I would rather

• I would rather stick my genitals in a bee’s nest.
• I would rather have a porcupine inserted violently into my rectum.
• I would rather sandpaper a wildcat’s ass.
• I would rather spend ten hours getting a tattoo on my back and then find out it’s the wrong one.
• I would rather try to open a beer bottle with my sphincter– and not a twist off either.